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The Internal Work Before Dating

By on Feb 06, 2018

Oh, my! This week we’ve got Laura Lee Wood joining us on the Joy Love Club, dating coach and executive matchmaker at Nashville Love Lifestyle.

Laura will be talking about Getting Yourself Ready for Successful Dating, and I know from my talks with Laura that she’s got some great advice to share with singles who want a lasting relationship.

Part of that advice is how to prepare internally for dating before you actually go out looking for a partner.

Far too often, we go into dating looking to see what is out there that catches our fancy. The problem, as Laura and I discussed during a recent episode of the Talking Love Show, is that this often leads us to date the wrong people. We don’t know what we actually want, so we don’t make good choices!

Know What You Want

Instead of showing up and seeing what happens, a better approach is coming into dating with a clear sense of your goals and requirements.

This starts with an ideal partner wishlist, which basically is an outline of the perfect person for you.

Now of course this is just a wishlist, and nobody is perfect. So if the people you meet don’t hit all the right points, that’s okay. But having a list of ideal traits and qualities helps you at least understand what’s important for you and how the other person fits into your hopes and dreams.

Equally important is a nonnegotiables list. THIS is the list that excludes people, and it is akin to that dating checklist that most of us carry around in our head.

This should be a short list (no more than 5-6 criteria), and you need to check that you have a reason for your nonnegotiables (height, for instance, is probably not a true nonnegotiable—most of us can live with a short partner if they are awesome elsewhere!).

This list serves as a good guide for when you need to look elsewhere. For instance, when you want kids badly and the person you are dating does not want kids at all.

It also is important that you visualize what it will feel like to be in a relationship, as Laura noted in our talk. By internalizing the feelings behind dating, you empower your intuition more fully by giving it a sense for how you should feel when dating the right person.

Visualizing also helps with staying motivated, and that’s important because dating can get discouraging until you find the right partner.

A third area to focus on prior to your partner search is understanding exactly why you are dating. Are you lonely? Are you wanting a life partner seriously? Are you feeling your biological clock ticking, and having that family is the main reason? Do you just want sex? Or an activity partner?

There’s no wrong answer, but leaving this question unanswered for yourself does complicate your dating experience and leads you toward the wrong people sometimes. It also confuses those you date.

So check out my conversation with Laura on the topic of internal work before dating.

Talk with Laura Directly

You also have an opportunity to talk with Laura directly through her live talk at the Joy Love Club this Saturday, February 10 at 8pm Eastern (5pm Pacific, 8am ICT on Sunday if you live in Thailand or other parts of Asia).

Laura is crazy-busy with her thriving relationship practice, and she normally charges hundreds of dollars for a dating consult. But you can talk with her for free, and get your questions answered, but attending this week’s Joy Love Club event.

The full Joy Love Club program runs weekly until May and costs $249, but I really want you to be able to talk with Laura so I’m offering a free pass to this week’s session if you enter your name and email address below.

I really hope you’ll join us. Laura and I have some amazing stuff to share this weekend that really can help you with your relationship search. So I hope to see you there!

Free Pass to Laura’s Joy Love Club Talk

To get a free pass to this week’s Joy Love Club live event, enter your name and email address below.





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Peter Kowalke

Peter is founder of Kowalke Coaching. He also is founding director of the Philia Mission, a small charitable organization. Contact Peter.