I’m going to be sacrilegious for a minute given that I’m a relationship coach who writes a lot about love and relationships: Honestly, you don’t need more dating advice. More knowledge won’t serve you. What you need is action.
If you’re reading this right now, chances are good that there’s a longing in your heart. It might be a small, niggling feeling that something is missing. It might be a strong fire of yearning and dissatisfaction. No matter where you are on the spectrum, though, you’re probably reading this because there’s this feeling that something better is out there. And there is: a love and connection with another person that not only brings you constant joy, but also makes you feel complete and in harmony with yourself and the world.
Getting this joy doesn’t come from reading more books or taking more courses, however. It doesn’t even come from talking with a coach (I told you I would be sacrilegious). You get this love and connection, this relationship you want, by getting away from knowledge and dating advice and actually taking action.
Don’t overthink this. More words won’t change anything. You’re spending your time on the wrong things and letting this “research” serve as an excuse for not taking the action that actually leads to what you want.
I’m not bashing dating advice entirely. I dish it out regularly with my weekly relationship emails, and I produce the Talking Love show. Just last week I had the honor of being featured on DatingAdvice.com, a great site for getting advice on love and dating (check out the interview they did with me!).
In fact, you should stop reading right now and sign up for my weekly advice emails if you aren’t getting them already. Click here to sign up for free.
The value of relationship tips and articles is overrated and misunderstood, though.
There is a place for tactics like how to show up on a date, which dating platforms to choose, and how to build connection with another person so it goes from an awkward first date to a sparkling, lasting romance.
For instance, I had one client who was waiting for men to ask her out while unknowingly discouraging them from asking. Dating advice helped in this case.
Another awesome woman I coach would show up to dates baring her soul in the name of authenticity, not realizing that people judged her wrongly because we’re supposed to put our best foot forward on a first date (if these flaws were so evident on the first date, what did this say about what would come later?). Again, a little knowledge-sharing was useful.
Dating advice helps with such issues. But there’s something far more important, and that something is getting out there and taking action: Adjusting habits that aren’t serving you, such as treating dating like a game. Trying new approaches like making the first move or giving the date a chance even if they don’t meet all your check boxes. Actually dating instead of talking about it.
I know just about everybody THINKS they are taking action and doing all they can to find the love of their life. But I’ll tell you as a relationship coach who works daily with people on their love life: Most people are basically doing the same things and expecting a different result, or not doing it at all and substituting research and learning for the actual work that gets them that lasting relationship.
More learning and dating advice is not what you need. You can’t study or hack your way to a lasting relationship, because you’re still in your head and preparing for a relationship instead of living it. Any gain from these tips and tactics is more than offset by the inertia of not actually growing yourself, going on dates and having relationships.
Success with relationships is about the doing, not the thinking and the planning. I’ve found that the biggest stumbling block for most singles is not how they dress or what dating platform they choose, it is failing to grow and putting themselves out there. Instead of taking action, many of us choose more dating advice in the hope of a quick fix that helps us avoid the sometimes hard work of improving, trying things and facing failure before we find success.
When my relationship clients ask for advice, I give it. But just between you and me, that’s not really where the magic happens. I do that just so the client feels good and like they’re “learning” something. But this is candy, not the real food.
The real food is getting out there and taking action. This is where the real growth happens, where the longing for a lasting relationship turns into the joy of actually having it.
You need less dating advice, not more.
What you need is already within you: a heart and soul. We’re built for love, and it comes naturally when you get out of your own way. So you don’t need more of that thinking stuff. Thinking and learning is not going to help much.
What will help is letting yourself out and connecting authentically with other people. So you have to get out there, and you have to get unstuck if you’re not having success. That is less about thought learning and more about experiential learning. It is more about the doing, not the thinking.
So if you’re reading this, stop right now. Go try stuff. Go change some habits. Go online and schedule some dates and learn from what happens next. Then adjust and do it some more.
And if you’re stuck, if you’re demoralized, if you just can’t seem to take action and instead just read my emails and browse sites like DatingAdvice.com for relationship tips, there’s a fix for that. Get a relationship coach.
Click here to contact me for a free telephone consult.
Don’t keep reading dating articles endlessly and talking about your relationship life. Do something about it instead. You deserve the joy and happiness of a deep, lasting relationship. That comes from doing stuff, not collecting more advice.
Peter is founder of Kowalke Coaching. He also is founding director of the Philia Mission, a small charitable organization. Contact Peter.
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